Tonight I lost it. My cool, my center, my common sense all in a matter of seconds. It was admittedly not my most yogic moment. For those of you who need not the gory details, I commend you. Skip down to paragraph 3. For the rest of us, here’s how it went down:
I have a persistent habit toward road rage and tonight my demon reared his ugly head. Again. I was driving home from work, but not on my usual route (not that that is of any real significance or excuse). As I left the office I called in take out and I was on my way to retrieve it. My delicious and much anticipated paneer tikka was awaiting my arrival, and I was praying my love wouldn’t grow cold. Much to my dismay traffic sucked, and I was clearly in the wrong lane if I was going to make the most of this unfortunate situation. So, I signaled. I am sure the woman in the other lane saw me. She flinched. She took a second, and then she decided. Not to let me in. I sped up a bit, with my blinker still blinking, and still she refused my entry.** So, I made her. I got far enough ahead of her to squeeze the front end of my car across the line and I dared her, “Let me in you witch, or else hit me!”. Needless to say she didn’t like my ultimatum one bit, and she made her dissatisfaction duly known. As if my behavior up to this point had not been bad enough, I proceeded to yell something like, “You SAW me!! I had my damn blinker on!!!” For added effect (since I was aware enough to know she couldn’t hear me), I proceeded to engage my blinker in this fashion: rightleftrightleftrightleftrightleftrightleftmyblinkermyblinkermyblinkerrightleftrightleftahhhhhhhhhh. Somewhere around that point I started to calm down. Then it hit me. That was ugly. That was embarrassing. That was dangerous!
As the incident wound itself down, I began to notice myself compiling a laundry list of reasons why I was justified. She SAW ME and she DENIED me. I couldn’t let her get away with that. I have TANDOORI to pick up dammit! All very sound and justifiable reasons for cutting someone off in rush hour traffic. Right? Wrong. Why had I done that? What is this slip up all about? I’d been doing so well managing this! I’m a yoga teacher for cripes sake!! Then I remembered a blog I posted on my Facebook page about the the guru principle and misunderstanding about the role of the teacher and I remember what my own teachers, Laura and Cat said just this weekend, “Everyone is always doing yoga all the time; practice comes in when you are aware and skillful. Everyone is on the path.” And so since the yoga had clearly already begun, I decided to put on my big girl panties and take a look at why I’d fallen off the wagon and straight onto my ass.
I had to get honest. First, to admit that I was wrong. I was wrong and she was
right less wrong. I was angry with myself for not taking advantage of choosing the quick route when I could, and admitting I missed it because I wasn’t paying very good attention to begin with. Humph. Now why might that be? I was playing with my phone (insert sheepish look here). Traffic was bumper to bumper and I wasn’t really being that negligent, but that’s beside the point. If I’m going to be truly honest this isn’t the only area in which I’ve been less than mindful this week. My house is a mess, I’ve been sleeping later than usual, I’m wasting time at work, and not only am I not trying to meditate I am actively and with full awareness ignoring the voice in my head that is telling me to “sit down and shut up”. Double humph. Triple humph. Shit. I haven’t been very engaged with my yoga.
So, here I am. Turning my gaze upon awareness and engaging as honestly as I can. I am confessing to you as a means of holding myself to the highest accountability (and hopefully I will give you something of value to receive). Getting on my mat isn’t enough. Not when I’m escaping into negligence of my other practices. I wish I could apologize to the woman I cut off. I hope she was engaged enough with her yoga to let it go. We are all human and perfectly imperfect. Completion is unattainable, and it isn’t the goal to begin with. The goal is recognition and the expression of that awareness. I may always struggle with a tendency toward road rage. If I’m skillful enough to remove it from my path, I can rest assured that there is something else waiting to engage me underneath. Tonight, I’m hitting the reset button. I will clear my house of the clutter, and resolve to wake with the alarm in the morning. When my inner voice says “sit down and shut up”, I will take my seat and I will breath. AUM.
It isn’t whether your are right all the time that matters. It isn’t important that you always be perfect or even always good. It is about paying attention, listening, and being honest. It is about putting that awareness and knowledge into action, and forgiving if what you discover disappoints the grandest illusions you hold of yourself. Be kind. First and foremost to yourself. Don’t be afraid to look at the parts of you that are ugly. It’s all yoga, and we’re all on the path.
**Let me just take this brief aside to air a little gripe. Women, you do this. You see people with their blinker on, and you pretend not to see them, and you don’t let them merge into your lane. You do. Don’t deny it. I see it all the time. Not to mention the thousands of times I myself have done the same (I’m working on it). What’s the big deal anyway? So we let someone in. It doesn’t make us pushovers. It makes us considerate. Think about it.